~ When Sleep is a Four-Letter Word ~

For week 33 of Jingle’s Poetry Potluck, the theme was Doubts, Fears, Inhibitions and Hesitations. This is my offering to the potluck this week. πŸ™‚

*********

It’s 2:00 a.m. and I should be in bed,

But here I am, awake, instead.

Terrified to go to sleep,

Afraid of nightmares,

In too deep.

Lest I nod off, I leave the lights on.

Because I just can’t sleep

Now that you’re gone.

I’m exhausted beyond my breaking point,

But mental screams of grief

My soul annoint.

They keep me wide awake, you see.

My battered heart won’t

Set me free.

All my body wants is rest and peace,

But my mind won’t allow that

Damned release.

Please…oh please…

No more waking with my pillow wet from tears.

No more illusions or hope that Love lasts

For years.

No more dreams that you’ve come back to stay.

I know I can’t go on

This way.

I’ll just stay numb till I pass out,

Or else I’ll feel, and dream

No doubt.

I pay hourly homage to the Java-God,

But his almighty power is waning…

Odd.

Someday (or night) this body will rebel,

And I’ll be forced to face

This living Hell.

But I’ll do my best to stay awake.

Because this heart cannot more

Sorrow take.

And it doesn’t matter if I’m insane,

Because at least then

I won’t comprehend

This pain.

I hate being haunted by the ghost that’s you,

But I just don’t know

What else to do.

I’ve alcohol and marijuana nearby,

I’ve been resisting so far,

They’d only make

Me cry.

I never thought that I could cry so much,

But nights are the hardest,

Without your touch.

If you only knew how much I hate being here,

With sleep as a four-letter word

Spelled FEAR.

~ C.L.R. ~

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About dragonkatet

Regarding the blog name, Dragon’s Dreams ~ The name comes from my love-affairs with both Dragons and Dreams (capital Ds). It’s another extension of who I am, a facet for expression; a place and way to reach other like-minded, creative individuals. I post poetry and images that fascinate or move me, because that’s my favorite way to view the world. I post about things important to me and the world in which we live, try to champion extra important political, societal and environmental issues, etc. Sometimes I wax philosophical, because it’s also a place where I always seem to learn about myself, too, by interacting with some of the brightest minds, souls and hearts out there. It’s all about β€˜connection(s)’ and I don’t mean β€œnet-working” with people for personal gain, but rather, the expansion of the 4 L’s: Light, Love, Laughter, Learning.
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38 Responses to ~ When Sleep is a Four-Letter Word ~

  1. That was a poem rushing through my veins like a speedball! I have been there and glad I have company on such nights. I loved the title and the flow-they are great !

  2. Jessica says:

    I love that ending – very cute! The layout also adds to the feeling of you pouring out your fear like a trickle of water.

    http://jessicasjapes.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/darkly-imagined/

  3. thingy says:

    A terrific and very emotional piece.

  4. lunawitch15 says:

    The pain is so poignant and this is stunning!

  5. Mind boggling despair. I totally get this piece. I was there once upon a time. You captured the desperation nicely, the pain oh so truthfully! The rhymes worked as well, super cool!!! πŸ™‚

    Enjoy the potluck!

    http://lynnaima.wordpress.com/

  6. Fear hath clutched my breast at night, though know not where it flee, it wraps my heart in clenching fist, I pray it ne’er be. Clammy do I wake with sweat, of fight unknown yet real, my dreams be filled with pains and cries, my body’s had it’s fill, of darkened thoughts and colored pills, that cloud the pools of thought, yet crystal clear is heart of mine, that cast off darkened chills, for body is not Captain here, my mind in fight of life, for who’s in charge if not my heart, my soul feel not the strife.

    • dragonkatet says:

      So very well said, Captain. I can tell that you know exactly how it feels to fear sleep. I know they are all connected, but like you, I tend to distinguish between mind, heart and soul. They all “feel” differently and pay attention to different things. Thank you for taking the time not only to read my post, but to compose such a heartfelt response. πŸ™‚ Thank you very much for the smile.

  7. wyomingdiva says:

    I like the recognition that substances/sleep will only delay the pain, not remove it. Insomnia/fear is a beyotch!

  8. Hema says:

    Wow..that was super! Nice ending.

  9. I love my sleep more than is respectable :-), but there have been nights where I feared to close my eyes, yet feared to stay awake, and remember what I had just risen from. It is rare, but yes, I know of what you speak.

  10. Great poem…very evocative..you describe your pain very well πŸ™‚

  11. Jingle says:

    awesome wording, love the ending…

    A++

    Happy Potluck!

  12. Becca Givens says:

    Bittersweet and raw with emotion and pain – well done … it resonates and connects with some of my past memories of despair and hurt …

    • dragonkatet says:

      Thank you, Becca. I think, unfortunately, that many people can relate to the feelings in this. But then, maybe that’s the sign of a “successful” piece, is if it can evoke emotions from others and readers can relate to it? πŸ™‚ Thank you for stopping by!

  13. The Reason You Come says:

    Oh my, I could almost feel the restlessness and frustration while reading your words, which flowed very nicely. I love their rhythm and rhyme. This could be a love song, or a song for the brokenhearted.

  14. Jamie Dedes says:

    All in a rush and just the way it moves when this happens. Well done. Vivid and evocative.

  15. that Love lasts for years …

    There was a time I doubted that and when I found a love that lasted years …
    I now wonder is there a Love that lasts forever?

    From all the lines in this lovely poem, this was the one to catch my eye and heart.
    And yes, nights like this happen, they come and go like trains in opposite direction, but there is always the hope that the next love will last a second more, that if it ends you will have enough courage to face the fears of lonely nights! Hope for sure can last
    forever …

    Thank you so very much for the comments you left at my blog! I have computer troubles, but now I’m back! And thanks for this delightful read, always a pleasure to
    visit your Dragon dreams …

    • dragonkatet says:

      Thank you, Blaga. I know that Hope was the last thing out of Pandora’s box for a reason. A Love that lasts forever? Mmmm…maybe of the spiritual kind, but I don’t think it exists on this plane. Or if it does, very, very rarely. Idealism and Romanticism go hand in hand. Unfortunately, they do not lend well to Reality. In any case, I’m glad you got your computer fixed! Yay! πŸ™‚

  16. eebrinker says:

    awesome …. not the pain, but really liked how you wrapped that up. wanted to let you know, and maybe could get me your email sometime — but took down that one write on talking about smoking, because made me look a little too crazy and a woman was murdered yesterday in my apartment building. i know, unreal. the poem and our comments are still there, i just set it to private. sometimes i think god has a strange sense of humor — i talk about the lengths some will go to, for attention, and here i am on TV the next day because of a murder. they think they caught the guy, but are still investigating and i find it — well, am used to my family reading “crazy” into my poetry and giving it to shrinks as some sort of proof that they have rights to screw me over. i always get blamed for shit – so just thought it better to set that one write to private for now. not that it matters. like a rock you can never get out from under –the ‘crazy stamp.’ but it’s not about me and feel bad for the neighbor. didn’t know her, but broke up an argument between them few weeks back. so see — you’re not so bad off, Dragon *sigh-smiles* there are certainly worse ways to end a relationship than tears on a pillow. but so sad are having difficulty, and hope you pull up and out. i don’t know if those men-things are worth it — but it’s better to hang onto hope than to embrace bitter.

    E.

    • dragonkatet says:

      Thanks, E. I’ll be e-mailing you shortly. I understand about your reasons for taking it down. I only got the read the short blurb about the murder one that showed up in my inbox, but it sure sounds like a helluva tale. As for the men things, I agree – there are WAY worse ways to end things…this was written back in 2007, at the end of my previous r/s (the current one is still going, rocky though it may be at times). I also agree that it’s better to hold on to hope – it’s hard, sometimes, not to let the bitterness win.

  17. Gary says:

    Sleepless nights, fitful turning…
    misery avoids morning brite light
    fearing a repetitious ugly old fight
    marriage adulterated, an emotional rape
    sleepless nights, is the only escape
    take me sandman, nurture my need
    heal my wasted mind, before it does bleed

    • dragonkatet says:

      Thank you, Gary. πŸ™‚ It’s nice to know that readers *do* understand, and you always have a way of using that poetic mind of yours to respond in a way that lets me know you do, indeed, understand.

      • Gary says:

        You are very welcome DK,
        The formula for a miserable nights sleep is a complex mixture and varies from pillow to pillow…
        and yes, I do indeed understand!

  18. Pingback: Because of Him: With jingle award nominatons for Wk.44 « Luna's world of Beauty, Hopes & Dreams

  19. lolamouse says:

    Very intense and emotional piece. Really got wrapped up in this one. Grief is a bitch.

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